Is your wife a lesbian? Top 10 Ways to Tell…

After catching hold of this gem at Christwire, I couldn’t help but notice that poor, unsuspecting husbands have no way of knowing whether or not their wives are secret lesbians, just waiting to pounce at any moment. Here you are, gentlemen: look for any of these horrifying tell-tale signs that your wife is actually a homosexual.

10) A love of the outdoors

Women should not like nature. Is your wife admiring “the beautiful day” or secretly smelling flowers on your daily walks? She’s gay. Be careful. Do your best to keep her out of the garden and away from any rural areas that will feed her lust.

9) Volunteering at women’s shelters

Has your wife begun to use her time volunteering at battered women’s homes? Has she started to speak about “helping other women in need?” Do not let her help other women. By “helping,” she means sexing. Lesbian sexing. 

8 ) Watching Dual Survival/Bear Grylls/Deadliest Catch

If your wife has Tivo’d at least three episodes of any of these, or if she shows interest in learning how to go crabbing in subzero temperatures or start a fire with a snake skin and a twig, immediately disconnect your television. She is using these shows as a source to fuel her own desires. The Discovery Channel has become the enemy. 

7) Too many chats with female friends

Does it seem like your wife is always talking to her female friends? Does she mention “grabbing lunch” or “shopping for a bit” with other women friends, perhaps even on a monthly basis? Take heed. All of these are code for lesbian sex. There is absolutely no lunching or shopping going on during these times.

6) Choosing to wear a sports bra

If you have found that your wife only wears sports bras around the house, or worse, none at all, you may be asking yourself why. The answer is that she is a lesbian and wearing regular bras is for non-lesbians, so she chooses not to. It’s silent protest, but now you’re on to her.

5) Smiling too much

Does it seem like every time you go out, your wife is kind and friendly to strangers? Is she always smiling and greeting passersby with an open-tooth grin? Worse yet, has she begun offering a hand to little old ladies? Keep a close eye out in public; if she begins smiling at strangers, immediately put her back in the car and drive her straight home. The smile is the lesbian calling card.

4) Wearing ponytails

Does your wife keep a ponyholder on her wrist? Have you seen her pull her hair into a ponytail when you have guests around, or perhaps when she is heading out to the grocery store? Does she generally keep her hair long and free when she is sleeping and no one else can see her, but then pull it up during the day? There’s a reason for that, lad, and the reason is homosexuality.

3) Clothes that are too loose and too comfortable

Lesbians don’t have to look good for one another. If your wife has begun wearing sweat pants, drawstring pants, hoodies, tee shirts, or other lesbian wardrobe items, the chances are good that she is signaling other lesbians secretly. Encourage her to wear A-line dresses, pantyhose, pumps, and lipstick, because it is a known fact that lesbians are not attracted to women who look feminine.

2) Opinionated, cynical, and sarcastic around her friends

Does your wife voice her opinion loudly, even firmly, in front of others? Does she sit with her arms crossed? Do her ears hang low or wobble to-and-fro? If she does not tie them in a knot or a bow, she is a lesbian. Also, if she uses gestures, big words, or the phrase, “Another way to look at it is…”

1) Too tired to have sex with you

Does your wife crawl into bed claiming to be exhausted “after a long day?” Does she try to shrug off your advances with lame excuses like “the kids have had the flu for four days, and now I have it, too” or “I just worked a 14 hour day, and I just want to sleep?” If so, do not hesitate to declare her a resident of Lesbianville. Nonlesbians do not get tired.

If any or all of these signs match your loved one, or you have noticed other non-mentioned signs of your wife being a lesbian, quickly tie her ankles and wrists together, put her into the bathtub with ice water, and hope that the cold water causes her to shiver out all of her homosexual tendencies, letting the lesbianism evaporate into the air. Good luck, sir. Good luck.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Tweets that mention Is your wife a lesbian? Top 10 Ways to Tell… « Okay, but seriously -- Topsy.com
  2. stephensonbillings
    Aug 21, 2010 @ 11:48:21

    I believe that lesbianism is truly a difficult and genuine problem in heterosexual marriages today. If you google this question, you’ll actually find many men posting concerned comments on messages boards wondering what to do once they’ve discovered their wives have same sex attraction. I appreciate you taking the time, my friend, to write up this list even if it’s meant to be some sort of gentle joke. Best wishes,

    Stephenson

    Reply

  3. Meredith
    Aug 27, 2010 @ 15:08:28

    Mr. Billings, are you REALLY a moron or do you just play one on the internet?
    This list is absolutely ridiculous, as it was meant to be. Your list on men is also ridiculous, you’re just too dense to realize it. As an actual mental health professional, I can tell you that the “problem” as you state it is NOT porn, The Golden Girls or The Deadliest Catch. It is close-minded religious bigots who guilt people into trying to be something they’re not. People who quote the Bible to suit them. Leviticus also states that eating shellfish is an abomination. So where is your list of ways to know if your spouse is going to Red Lobster?

    Reply

  4. LR
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 10:37:22

    She behaves like a man, watching guy shows, sports, being aggressive, etc.-typical of a lesbian.

    Reply

  5. LR
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 13:47:58

    If you find out she is, whack her.

    Reply

  6. 1erin2jacob3kylee4kelsey
    Sep 03, 2012 @ 12:37:14

    Welcome to the 21st century, Where it is legal for women to have rights and freedom. So if your wife does anything on this list it does not mean that she is a lesbian, it means that she is a strong independent women of the 21st century. If she wants to relax with her girls does not mean she is a lesbian, it means she needs away time from kids, family, and home stress. Think of it what do you do with your friends away from your wife, hopefully if your an honest man she is doing the same, relaxing. That does not make her a lesbian and it doesn’t make you gay. That she is a hard working women and needs you to love her unconditional as you should. You are born gay, people who are gay know it. Ask her instead of reading this unrealistic list. Anyone that believes what this sexist says is a fool.

    Reply

  7. Greg
    Dec 27, 2012 @ 21:35:49

    dont whack her tell her you want to watch then she might stop being Gay

    Reply

  8. Honey
    Jan 07, 2013 @ 16:26:20

    I wrote one of these… but this is great. If a man really feels like his wife is a lesbian, Stephenson, chances are, she is. He doesn’t have to troll the internet, he just has to look inward, because he already knows, it’s just a matter of accepting it.

    Reply

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