After catching hold of this gem at Christwire, I couldn’t help but notice that poor, unsuspecting husbands have no way of knowing whether or not their wives are secret lesbians, just waiting to pounce at any moment. Here you are, gentlemen: look for any of these horrifying tell-tale signs that your wife is actually a homosexual.
10) A love of the outdoors
Women should not like nature. Is your wife admiring “the beautiful day” or secretly smelling flowers on your daily walks? She’s gay. Be careful. Do your best to keep her out of the garden and away from any rural areas that will feed her lust.
9) Volunteering at women’s shelters
Has your wife begun to use her time volunteering at battered women’s homes? Has she started to speak about “helping other women in need?” Do not let her help other women. By “helping,” she means sexing. Lesbian sexing.
8 ) Watching Dual Survival/Bear Grylls/Deadliest Catch
If your wife has Tivo’d at least three episodes of any of these, or if she shows interest in learning how to go crabbing in subzero temperatures or start a fire with a snake skin and a twig, immediately disconnect your television. She is using these shows as a source to fuel her own desires. The Discovery Channel has become the enemy.
7) Too many chats with female friends
Does it seem like your wife is always talking to her female friends? Does she mention “grabbing lunch” or “shopping for a bit” with other women friends, perhaps even on a monthly basis? Take heed. All of these are code for lesbian sex. There is absolutely no lunching or shopping going on during these times.
6) Choosing to wear a sports bra
If you have found that your wife only wears sports bras around the house, or worse, none at all, you may be asking yourself why. The answer is that she is a lesbian and wearing regular bras is for non-lesbians, so she chooses not to. It’s silent protest, but now you’re on to her.
5) Smiling too much
Does it seem like every time you go out, your wife is kind and friendly to strangers? Is she always smiling and greeting passersby with an open-tooth grin? Worse yet, has she begun offering a hand to little old ladies? Keep a close eye out in public; if she begins smiling at strangers, immediately put her back in the car and drive her straight home. The smile is the lesbian calling card.
4) Wearing ponytails
Does your wife keep a ponyholder on her wrist? Have you seen her pull her hair into a ponytail when you have guests around, or perhaps when she is heading out to the grocery store? Does she generally keep her hair long and free when she is sleeping and no one else can see her, but then pull it up during the day? There’s a reason for that, lad, and the reason is homosexuality.
3) Clothes that are too loose and too comfortable
Lesbians don’t have to look good for one another. If your wife has begun wearing sweat pants, drawstring pants, hoodies, tee shirts, or other lesbian wardrobe items, the chances are good that she is signaling other lesbians secretly. Encourage her to wear A-line dresses, pantyhose, pumps, and lipstick, because it is a known fact that lesbians are not attracted to women who look feminine.
2) Opinionated, cynical, and sarcastic around her friends
Does your wife voice her opinion loudly, even firmly, in front of others? Does she sit with her arms crossed? Do her ears hang low or wobble to-and-fro? If she does not tie them in a knot or a bow, she is a lesbian. Also, if she uses gestures, big words, or the phrase, “Another way to look at it is…”
1) Too tired to have sex with you
Does your wife crawl into bed claiming to be exhausted “after a long day?” Does she try to shrug off your advances with lame excuses like “the kids have had the flu for four days, and now I have it, too” or “I just worked a 14 hour day, and I just want to sleep?” If so, do not hesitate to declare her a resident of Lesbianville. Nonlesbians do not get tired.
If any or all of these signs match your loved one, or you have noticed other non-mentioned signs of your wife being a lesbian, quickly tie her ankles and wrists together, put her into the bathtub with ice water, and hope that the cold water causes her to shiver out all of her homosexual tendencies, letting the lesbianism evaporate into the air. Good luck, sir. Good luck.