Dear Humans Around the World (but especially Americans, since you know we’re like this, and you’re totally my favorite),
Recently, I’ve received a slew of thank you cards and acknowledgements from coast to coast. I want to get back to everyone who wasn’t born in a barn and knows how to say thanks for a job well done. I figured it’d be easier to just put this baby out there; save myself some postage, you know? So, here it is:
A few of my best works of 2010 that you’re especially thankful for: making LeBron choose the Heat. Giving that Palin kid the willpower to lay off carbs so she could have a shot at Dancing with the Stars. The ass and subsequent success of Kim Kardashian. Giving everyone Jesus so Kanye has someone he can truly relate to. Making the Obama’s garden grow so fat kids stop being fat all over the country. Oh yeah – and making sure Michael Vick got a second chance to be the good person I know he can be, even if he has to sacrifice his privacy, sign jerseys, and wave to thousands of fans to make that happen.
Honorable mentions: the McRib. COD Black Ops. That kid’s abs from the vampire movies. All those snow days back in February. The Kindle.
Yup. All those things. You are welcome. I’m happy you enjoyed them; I put a lot of thought and energy into figuring exactly what to get you this year. Gift cards just seem so impersonal.
My inbox has also been flooded with some really ballsy, annoying questions, too. I didn’t want to get into it, because, let’s face it, nobody likes a downer. But here you go, Negative Nancies:
All these complaints about the little kids with the poked out bellies and toothpicks for arms? Chill out. You know, it really frosts my effing cookies when I do all this nice stuff for you guys, and all you can ask is why I’m not fixing crap like hurricanes and pandemics. Sifting through this inbox is like watching those Me-damn SPCA commercials with Sarah McLaughlin whining in the background. Who wants to deal with it? Cancer, pedophiles, famines. Blah, man. Blah.
Anyhoodles, I’m not going to let all that get me down after a fantastic year of grateful, happy humans flooding me with thanks. I’m taking some time off – I don’t like to be around during the whole holiday season. It weirds me out.
See you all on the flip side.